Thursday, February 28, 2013

thoughts on the journey....02.28.2013

Another month is about to close…. just like another turning of a page in a book of time. The words and the experience of the days that we have passed and we have spoken are now in a journal. We cannot change the past nor should we carry it with us. Each movement of our lives brings with it emotions of things said or deeds done.

What if we took those emotions and learned from them.

What caused those emotions to be ones that we experienced?

What is about those words or actions that led to those particular sense of feelings?

I am wondering if life is nothing more than a series of junctures that expose either a sense of security or insecurity.

As I talk with other individuals that are either going through or have gone through life changing moments, I hear so many different words. Resolution. Fear. Resilience. Anger. Stubborness. Purpose. Weakness and strength.

The one that seems to overwhelm people is ‘fear”. The others can be short-lived because of the energy it takes to live in them. We can live in resolution and strength but we grow weary at times which just leads us to find a source to regain our resolve. We look to the external and find a reason to keep on going. We look to the internal to find something within that we believe so much that it causes us to push ahead. Positive energy is like a roller coaster. We all seem to experience the highs and lows of it. We are strong one day and weaken the next. It is that nothing is wrong it is just that physiologically we cannot sustain a heighten level of energy for more than an extended period of time. We do all that we can to increase the endorphine level to push us onward.

But fear….. it never seems to leave us. We have that voice of criticism that says we are not good enough. We hear from family and friends that mock us not realizing that they do. We see it in our past failures. We may have started something and quit it before it was completed… fear tells us it will happen again. We wear it like a coat….. or maybe like an undergarment. We meet someone that we are attracted to and it comes up in previous rejections so we are afraid to make ourselves vulnerable to the person we just met. It becomes our “wingman”. We carry it into transitions. We get the sense we have been here and attempted this before but somehow in some way we got tripped up. We fell flat on our face in an effort or we may not have even attempted the effort; so, it becomes just another fanciful dream to those that we share it with.

Fear. Fear of what? Rejection? Failure? Ridicule? Not being valued? Not meeting the needs or expectations of another person or group?

What if we turned those fears into challenges? What if we took them one at a time and made them a dare to ourselves? A game of acceptance instead of a life of avoidance? Accept the fact that yes we may get turned downed for a job or a date but that rejection is not our sole identity. Accept the fact that each journey is going to have struggle points; that we will stumble and may even fall but that we learn from them not live with them. Accept the fact that life is about the breath of the moment and that is what we write our own stories about. We will live a life much richer if we become vulnerable. Broken bones hurt and broken dreams suck but they both will mend and be remembered. Fear is nothing more than a voice of illogical negativity. It says we can’t when we dream that we can. However, fear is a natural emotion though. It is the voice of our insecurity. A voice that shouldn’t be nurtured or ignored but accepted in a way that says we are beginning to understand who we are and what makes us feel vulnerable. Fear cannot be shunned because all that does is repress a part of who we have been and who we are becoming.

So, I have my voices. And yes fear has caused me to procrastinate. It is like a pebble in my shoe that I just don’t take the time to remove. It causes my journey to be more painful with each step and sometimes it stops my journey even though I can still see the beauty of going forward.

There is a part of me that wants to take a step in a new direction. As part of my homework, I am learning why I have not taken the first step. My faithful and good teacher led me to a place of awareness. (She reminds me of something that I wrote recently that I will travel this journey listening to those that I trust.) As I walked home yesterday, I walked away from but not unaware of what negative emotions this next journey means to me. I chose not to deny or reject them for they are apart of my inner voice but I chose to listen to what they are truly saying to me. They are telling me that with each dream comes some darkness but those moments of darkness makes the moments of joy and accomplishment that much better. It is the mosaic of life. Darkness accents the light to make it more vivid and real. Fear makes accomplishments that much richer.

So, in one accord all that I am took the next step. We are about to set another book upon the shelves of time.

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